The Gluttonist

Aunt Jemima techno pancakes

This is one of those quirky videos that has helped catapult everyday Joe Schmoes into mini YouTube rock stars. So I know it's no Chocolate Rain, but to GiR2007's credit, his pancake demo set to music has received close to 2.5 mil hits. But sure, what he produced is technically more of a crêpe. And yeah, his mis en place is a bit haphazard. But I'm not gonna nitpick this one, 'cause really who doesn't love pancakes. Plus it's the perfect antidotal snack after an all-night rave bender.

Snoop Dogg market gonna be off the hizzle

It seems that famed hip-hop artist Snoop Dogg is quite the budding entrepreneur and visionary. The West Coast rapper and actor's plans for '08 include a foray into the supermarket biz. Yes, no joke. The Doggfather has told everyone from MTV to Conan O'Brian that he wants to open up a chain of grocery stores, called what else, "Snoopermarkets." Apparently the names "Gin and Juice Bonanza" and "PimpMart" were already taken. I don't know why, but I'm guessing there'll be a big herbs section.

Bourdain best served rare

Many years ago, my friend T, a then wide-eyed, eager culinary student, had lunch at Les Halles and got the chance to meet Anthony Bourdain back when he was still chefing. T was chef-struck and asked for his autograph, and instead of the typical "Good luck in school" bit, Chef Bourdain just scrawled "COOKS RULE!!" in one big jagged scribble. But it's not surprising; I always knew Bourdain was hardcore. And this world renown bad boy chef, author, tv personality, food iconoclast, and sometime Nostradamus (he correctly predicted Emeril's FoodTV demise as early as 2006) hardly ever pulls punches. Never one to suffer fools (culinary or otherwise), his clever, often vitriolic opinions always make for interesting and funny reading. Today's A.V. Club interview is perhaps the best and most insightful one with him to date. Sure there's the standard Bourdain fare (The Ramones, heroin, Rachel Ray, warthog anus), but he also discusses Julia Child, celebrity chef sellouts, fine-dining burnout, not cooking for his wife, and the food Mafia (which includes his chefriend Mario Batali). He also reveals that Top Chef 3 winner Hung Huynh does have heart, and in the whole love vs. skill cooking debate, he offers up my new favorite Bourdainsim," A well-done steak is a well-done steak, I don't care how fucking nice you are." And he is going back into the kitchen, well for one night at least. They filmed him, as he -gasp- went back to manning the flames at Les Halles, working his old 7:30 am to midnight double shift. Never mind that on his show "No Reservations", he gets winded climbing a flight of stairs on like every other episode or the fact that he's now in his 50's. Still, this is gonna be one to watch.

Tony hitting the sauce

X-mas or bust

I don't know about you, but it's not even Christmas yet, and I'm already exhausted. So much to do and so little time. Miraculously I finished all my gift buying yesterday as I somehow managed to procrastinate and then concentrate all my shopping mojo into one whirlwind 7-hour shopping spree. It was not easy ... there were some casualties ... tears were shed, lives were lost. [To the curly-haired woman in the purple jacket: So sorry I put you in a headlock, but I really needed that argyle sweater in XL. P.S. You got one hell of a strong arm, lady.] While at Bloomingdales, I found quick refuge in some delicious fries at the Burke in the Box cafe. They were perfectly cooked, fried crisp with a bare hint of truffle oil and asiago cheese (not bad for $4.50). I also stopped by Martine's Chocolates for some tasty gifts for my choice loved ones. These are some of my favorite chocolates, and unlike the ones from say Godiva or Neuhaus (though still good), they are made fresh daily right on the premises. A few dark chocolate butterflies, milk chocolate pianos, and raspberry truffles later, and I was again ready to brave the frantic, frenzied, waited-til-the-last-minute-again scavenger-hunting mobs. Phew.

Well everyone, happy holidays! Hope you eat, drink & merry make to your heart's content.

The Gluttonist

Sushi gone wild

So I'm not normally crazy about getting e-cards. Most of the time, they're just lame attempts to cover up the fact that someone's too lazy and cheap to buy a real card. And at least have the decency to Bcc:, not Cc:, me (Oh, you know who you are, grandma). But this fun one somehow found it's way into my inbox. It came via one long FW:FW:FW:FW:FWed e-mail and was originally sent to someone on a Starr Restaurants mailing list. Looks like one killer sushi partay. And you know it's poppin' 'cause tamago is totally letting it rip. But is it just me, or is that serious looking tuna in the corner supposed to be Iron Chef Morimoto?

Friends don't let friends eat drunk sushi

These stocking stuffers are better than lumps of coal

Even the biggest Scrooge can appreciate a good stocking stuffer. I mean how can you not? These small, unexpected surprises, are like an amuse bouche before the real presents. Over the years I've bought my share of snowman tchotchkas and lilac scented bath beads, but now I much prefer more foodie-centric gifts that celebrate the cook (or cook wannabe). I've put together a list of some things I hope to give and receive (*wink*wink) this year. And so as not to break the bank, everything is $15 or under.

Crate & Barrel Olive Pick $.95 each

They're better than toothpicks and make a fun addition to any cocktail party (unless of course you hate olives). 

Fat Witch Baby Brownies  $1.40 each

These small squares of chocolaty goodness are some of my favorites. I buy bunches of these at a time at the Fat Witch Bakery in Chelsea Market and always keep a few in my purse.

Brown Sugar Bear $2.95

This little critter will prevent brown sugar from turning into that rock-hard brick that's probably sitting in your cupboard right now. It works on dried fruits and cigars(!) too. And it can also help keep crackers and spices dry. Beary nice.

VillaWare Gnocchi Board $2.99

This board makes those delightful ridges that I love. Sure you can just use fork tines, but then you won't be able to show off your cool gnocchi toy to others. 

Moose-shaped Maple Candy $3.25 each

Maple syrup-based candies always make a sweet treat, especially the ones shaped like mooses.

Kuhn Rikon Original Swiss Peeler $3.50 each

This one is sharp, super light, and dirt cheap. It's my hands-down favorite peeler.

Tabasco Miniatures - 6 pk $4.00

These 1/8 oz bottles pack quite a punch and slip right in your pocket. Perfect for all the hotheads in your life.

Wood Tostonera $4.99

This device smashes plaintains, a task which is necessary for making delicious tostones, a staple in any self-respecting Dominican home.

Crate & Barrel Demitasse Spoon $4.95

I know it's just a spoon, and I usually avoid such fussiness. But somehow I just love stirring my morning coffee with this classic coffee spoon. The handle has a nice bulbous tip, and the whole thing is just so damn elegant.

Gingerbread Man Cookie Cutter $4.95

This cutter is just the right size (4.5"w x 6") for making the quintessential x-mas gingerbread man cookie.

Stemware ID wine glass name tags (50 tags+pen) $7.00

There's nothing worse than losing track of your drink at a party. And you don't want to accidentally drink from someone else's glass and get their vino cooties. Just give everyone a wine name tag and be done with it.

Lamson Chestnut Knife $7.95

Before you can roast chestnuts on an open fire, you have to score them first. The curved blade helps.

Progressive Magnetic Measuring Spoons $7.95

These measuring spoons are so thoughtful and considerate, I almost want to marry them. They have flat bottoms so as to not wobble on the counter, double sided spoons so you can use twice and clean once, and magnetic centers so they nestle together nicely sans cumbersome key rings.

Architec Silicone Spatula, Basting Brush, or Whisk  $7.95 to $9.95

These guys won't melt under high heats, have no wood handles (all silicone), come in a cool futuristic blue hue, and are so ergonomic that even OSHA would approve.

Microplane Grater $8.95

This tool is indispensable for grating nutmeg and citrus zest and for turning Parmesan into nice fluffy snow cheese over your pasta.

Days Ago Digital Day Counter $9.99

If the insider of your frig looks like one big expired foods convention, this could help. Just set the date and stick it on say an opened tub of sour cream, and it will remind you when to chuck it out.

Stainless Steel Crisp Martini Glass $10.50

This fancy stainless steel P.I.M.P. cup (think James Bond meets Lil' John), which besides looking oh so chic, will keep your cocktail nice and cold.

Animal Cookies: A Cookbook and Cookie Cutter Set (Debora Pearson) $10.85

This cookbook, complete with a mini baking sheet and animal cookie cutters is for the kid and the kid at heart.

Madagascar Vanilla Beans - 5 beans $11.90

I'm not really a baker, but I do know that Madagascan vanilla is like the gold standard of vanilla beans. It's prized, cherished, and super expensive. So you can't go wrong giving some to someone who loves baking. 

Piggle Cast Iron Bacon Press $12.35

A bacon press is essential in any kitchen. Well, my kitchen at least.

The Food Loop 15" Silicone Trussing Tool - 6 pk $12.95

Forget tempermental string and pesky toothpicks. Forgo the hassle and just tie one of these on.

Zeroll Original Ice Cream Scoop $14.25

Now here's a scooper that's easy to use, comfortable, ambidextrous, and handsome. Plus both the handle and bowl contain a self-defrosting liquid which reacts to the warmth from the wielder's hand, helping to yield easier to extract, round scoops.

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Lump of Coal Licorice Candy $7.95

And if all else fails or if you come down with a case of the bahumbugs, you can always give out, yes, bags of coal.

Unearthed photo of the day: Mario in the outer boroughs

The other day I was surfing the Internets for some pics of jungle curry (you know the crazy spicy one) when I found this photo with Chef Mario Batali . It was taken a couple of years ago, but still, I thought it was funny 'cause it shows him in front of my favorite Thai restaurant, Sripraphai (see my July post), back when they had their old signage. I don't know why but I found it quite intriguing. You don't expect to see Mario in Queens, much less Woodside. Then it got me thinking, what dishes did he order? Was he loving the chile-laced salads? How about the Penanag curry? Thai spicy or wimpy spicy? And did he get some sticky rice? And what about dessert? Did he try the funky yellow one? The funky green one? Sadly, my questions will forever go unanswered and become just another one of life's great mysteries. But I'm pretty sure he liked the Thai iced tea (cha yen). It's orange too.

Molthai Mario?

The kvelling doll

Latke Larry makes a great gift. He cooks. He sings. He magically balances a latke on his wrist. Plus he sounds just like George Costanza's father.

Latke to me

My friend D once explained Hanukkah to me, not as the Festival of Lights, but as the festival of latkes. Her family has many time-honored holiday traditions, and every year they hardly deviate from the script. Her grandfather, for his part will drink too much sugary Manischewitz vino, get buzzed, and palm-slip her crumbled $5 bills. Meanwhile her grandma will spend hours in the kitchen making batches of her famous potato latkes, which she'll serve with sour cream and homemade cinnamon-honey applesauce. I'll admit I'm not usually fond of potato pancakes, but latkes, when cooked right, are quite tasty. In the hands of a loving bubbie or competent cook, grated potatoes and onions will morph into something super crispy, slightly greasy, and exceptionally GBD (golden, brown, and delicious). Here's a fairly classic latke recipe. Though if you're feeling whimsical, you can take a stab at some unorthodox versions, like Chinese potato scallion or Indian split pea. There's also one with turnip and duck fat and a special stuffed permutation with Alfredo sauce. And maybe, just maybe you'll want to wash it all down with Jones latke-flavored soda. (Now what kind of gd drink is this? What's next pastrami frappés? Gefilte fish gimlets?) Well, at least it's kosher. On that note, Happy Hanukkah!

Martha loves Chang's buns

In case you missed Martha on Thursday, this was the show's highlight (though to be fair the segment on acorn crafts was quite riveting): Chef David Chang demoing his famous Steamed Pork Buns. I love these suckers. Surprisingly, it's a pretty simple recipe. For the meat, all you have to do is cover a slab of pork belly with sugar and salt (50/50) and then roast it. The bun part is a little trickier, and involves mixing, resting, poofing, balling, resting, rolling .... well, you get the picture. It requires patience and a little elbow grease. But it is oh so worth it, as the end product will be super soft and pillowy. I noticed that this recipe is slightly different from the one in October's Gourmet (Pork-Belly Buns), which calls for a wet pork brine and cake flour (instead of this AP+bread flour mix). Plus on the show, he snuck in a little melted fat (!) straight into the bun batter. Rendered pork fat to be exact. [Repeat after me: Ren-der-ed-porrrrrrk-fat]. And no, Martha definitely didn't mind that. But what do you think, genius or insanity?

And although this was only Chang's second live tv appearance and considering he hasn't done a lot of tv, I think he did pretty well. Hey he held his own against Martha, a feat which we all know is no cakewalk. Check out and relive the video. Call grandma, invite the kids, make it a movie night.

P.S. His pork belly is from Newman Farms.

P.P.S. Ko, his third restaurant, is slated to open in January.

David Chang is not the Messiah (or is he?)

Unless you've been living in a cave or in jail for the past two years, you've probably heard of Chef David Chang, the current "It girl" of the food world. He's been blowing up all over the media, winning over critics, and growing the Momofuku mini empire, noodle by noodle. Oh and earlier this year he won some obscure (John Beard? Jim Bean?) award for rising star chef. Food & Wine bestowed upon him a best new chef title in 2006 (the same year that Jonathan Benno also got his), and recently GQ crowned him chef of the year. And he's doing Martha. The show, that is.

I don't know what it is about him. He has that weird Bill Clinton thing going on. It's like everyone who crosses paths with him becomes mesmerized by his porkalicious offerings and magnetic charm. Unlike some other chefs (we won't name names), he's neither stuffy nor cocky and has just enough self-deprecating wit and humor to be likable and accessible. His impish-Buddhaesque countenance and his f*ck the food police attitude make people feel comfortable, while his creative dishes make them swoon. He does all kinds of playful riffs on standard Asian and American dishes and has also taken his native Korean food to places it's never been before. Kimchi consommé anyone? Plus he works wonders with brussel sprouts (Does it never end? He is relentless I tell you).

Chang has an interesting life story. He's had various, sometimes random experiences from studying religion in college to cooking at Craft and later Cafe Boulud. He even traveled to Japan to learn about noodles. But it wasn't some smancy epi-culinary tour. No, think Horatio Alger with dashi. While other chefs headed to Michelin-starred French restaurants and places like El Bulli, Chang staged in a ramen shop located in a homeless shelter and then learned to make noodles from an old zen soba master. And you just know food writers live for that stuff. Mark Bittman is one convert. The Minimalist has written about or mentioned Chang on numerous occasions in his New York Times columns and named him as chefecutor (along with 4-star chef Jean-Georges) for his desired last meal ever. He even had Chang on his "The World's Best Recipes" show, and in one episode, we witnessed one of the most bromantic moments in the history of food tv: Chang spotting Bittman (I got your back, B) as he bites into a juicy pork belly bo ssam, even going so far as to catch Bittman's ssam drippings .... with his bare hands! Would Ferran Adrià do that? Unlikely. He'd probably just hand him a napkin and call it a day. And there are countless others. In his reveiw, Dom Frank Bruni wrote Chang has "real imagination" and a "wicked grasp of flavor and unerring sense of balance" and gave Ssäm Bar 2 stars. The magazines are also enamored of this chef. The latest GQ features Alan Richman's in-depth, multi-page article on Chang which covers everything from his childhood (happy) to his love life (nonexistent).

Though it started with just one small, simple Momofuku Noodle Bar back in 2004, this nouveau ramen dynasty has grown to three East Village restaurants (Momofuku Noodle Bar, Ssäm Bar, and the soon to open Ko), all packed nightly with hungry foodsters. Don't get me wrong. I've had great meals at Momofuku 1 & 2. His soups tickle my belly, the chawan mushi with caviar makes me feel regal, his sweetbreads leave me all hot and heavy, and his uni with tapioca had me at u. Oh and the pork. Do I even need to mention the pork? I'm generally easy when it comes to swine dining. Hell, I'd be content chowing down on supermarket pork. But his use of Berkshire pork is some sort of divine. I concur that his many fans are well deserved. We have the locals, the chef peers, the gourmands. However, unlike other top chefs like say Thomas Keller, Chang does not have followers or even enthusiasts. No, Chang's peeps are like Red Sox fans: crazy, fanatical zealots. So that begs the question, does David Chang have more fans or are they just more fervent? Or maybe Momofuku is just one big secret cult. I have no idea. Really, what's going on? Is Chang the new Messiah or did someone just put Kool-Aid in the ramen water?

Why chefs and Hollywood don't mix

Alright this may or not be true, but nevertheless, it is rather funny. According to The Daily Star, quirky British chef, chanteur, lamb killer, and all-around clever bloke Jamie Oliver telephoned celebrity thespian/humanitarian Angelina Jolie to chew the fat (he and her paramour Brad Pitt are rumored to be friends) and accidentally peeved her off. He asked her how her daughter was doing, which in itself is a friendly gesture. Only problem is he mistakenly switched letters and said "Piloh Shitt" instead of Shiloh Pitt. Well let's just say Ange was not amused. But to be fair, Oliver is dyslexic. As an apologetic mea culpa, he even sent the actress a tasty pudding made from Cheerios ('cause nothing says I'm sorry like bran). Coincidentally, The Naked Chef also has two daughters, and they are named (no joke) Poppy Honey and Daisy Boo.

Time to grease the bird

I love Thanksgiving. It's that one magnanimous day of the year when both foodies and non-foodies can congregate around the table together and bilaterally commit to stuffing their faces silly. It's the holiday with no pretense. There's no donning of funny costumes, no buying of fancy gifts, no singing of chipper songs. No, this one Thursday is earmarked solely for eating, drinking, and reveling in tryptophanic excess. There's some much to look forward to: a shiny overstuffed turkey, buttery sides galore, carbophilic desserts, and 2:1 odds that dad's pants will pop. What's not to love?

I'll be heading out to mom's house, and along with a few strays we've invited, our party will number eight. This year, we're keeping the menu super simple and traditional. Here's what's on the roster:

Garlic mashed potatoes

Roasted baby Yukon Gold potatoes with rosemary and roasted shallots

(Yeah I'm making two potatoes dishes,'cause that's just how I roll.)

Sautéed brussel sprouts with bacon

Honey glazed parsnips and butternut squash

Country sage stuffing

Sautéed mixed mushrooms with thyme and sherry vinegar   

Caramelized pearl onions

Orange cranberry relish

Turkey (duh!)  - Two 12 pounders, brined, of course

Pies (1 apple, 1 pumpkin, 1 sweet potato) - farm-bought and lard-laden

I'm probably gonna have a coronary after this meal, but it'll all be worth it.

And to all the cooks and eaters out there, have a wonderful dinner and happy turkey!

Let them eat crap

Do you enjoy eating foods that look like No. 1 and No. 2? Is your idea of fun sitting on the can whilst chatting with friends and enjoying a good, hot meal? Well then, it's your lucky day, cause have I found THE place for you! All you need to do is hop on a plane to Taipei and go visit Modern Toilet Restaurant, now part of a burgeoning Taiwanese chain. Originally opened in 2004 as Marton (Toilet Bowl) Restaurant, this unconventionally themed eatery has expanded to over a dozen outposts. And it's not surprising that such a kooky idea would flourish in this island nation - Taiwan is the virtual mecca of oddball trends. Lest you forgot, this is also the home of hospital, jail, and condom restaurants.

The decor here is 90's Ikea meets public restroom. There are toilet chairs and sinks, urinal lamps, and bathtub tables. And I know you'll be tempted, but no matter how badly you have to go, do not use the urinals in the dining room; they're just part of the ambiance. It's definitely not the place to take a first date, unless you're into um, weird stuff (you know who you are).

Photo: Reuters

So what do you order when you're so flushed with menu options? Start with a nice cold drink poured straight from a porta-urinal. Then have some curry or soup served out of mini toilets with a gratin side dish in a bathtub bowl. Dont' forget to lick the bowl clean. Of course, you'll want to finish with doodoo ice cream (chocolate, natch). It'll have you saying, "Mmmm, this sure tastes like ___." And be sure to wipe your potty mouth with, what else, toilet paper napkins. Though gimmicky, these diners serve reasonably priced comfort food, hence the chain's popularity with students.

Toilet curry bowl with a big ol' side of poop

Photo: Wing

Cacamamie dessert

Photo: Reuters

But they might want to consider a new tag line, 'cause the current "Shit or Food?" (you can't make this stuff up), just doesn't sit well. This is why you don't ask cousin Ned to write your copy. Well let's just say something got lost in translation.

Better than NyQuil and you don't have to worry about lurid green tongue

I can't believe winter is already here. It's turning into that chilly mitten weather that I hate. Plus, it's flu season, and everyone's starting to get sick. Just this weekend, I bumped into three peeps, all on the verge of sickdom. I tried to help in my Heloise/boozy enabler kind of way and recommended trying my never-fail, cold-weather cure-all, aka hot toddy. It's my favorite thing Scottish, besides of course, Sean Connery (when he's not beating people, that is). Hot toddy is a special drink, kind of like a panacean elixir that relaxes the mind, warms the heart, and comforts the soul (alright, I'm exaggerating a smidge). But no, it does soothe my throat and my body and makes me as giddy and gleeful as a schoolgirl. You see, the beauty is that you're killing two birds with one stone, namely clearing your sinuses while simultaneously getting your buzz on. It's a tasty beverage. It's a flu remedy. It's a hot toddy! There are many variations, all based on brownish hard liquors (whiskey, brandy, bourbon, rum) and some form of sweet hot liquid. I'm no purist, but I usually take mine just with tea, honey, lemon, and brandy. You can also spice it up with some cinnamon, cloves, or orange peel. But please, no exotic, fancy, namby-pamby add-ons.